Monday, March 2, 2009

God decides

Been struggling with fear lately- my old nemesis. That old grab-me-by-the-throat, wake-up-at-4am-with-heart-pounding fear. Funny but lots of people at church have "suddenly" been struggling with fear. An attack it seems... dumb enemy.


I am worried about finances and the upcoming treatment cycle. Really... worried about everything! Well, not worried about Rupi and the hubbie and the family and my friends so not actually everything. Just feels like everything at times. The overwhelming feeling of fear- in other words, a spiritual attack.


So anyway, God showed me a passage from Joshua that has really been a cornerstone of my life experience over the last 6 years. This is the set of verses he gave me before we started walking through infertility and it seems they are as relevant today as they were then.


No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you.
6 “Be strong and courageous, for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them. 7 Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the instructions Moses gave you. Do not deviate from them, turning either to the right or to the left. Then you will be successful in everything you do. 8 Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do. 9 This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1: 5-9


This is pretty strong and does not mince words. God is commanding me to be strong and brave. He promises me that he won't abandon me and promises that nothing (ie dumb tricks of the dumb enemy) will be able to succeed against me.



Note to self: God does not promise me that things won't come against me, just that they will not stand or succeed. Hmm...



There's also a vital clue as to how we manage those times when we need to be strong and brave. Meditate on the word- get into the bible- study it, absorb it and get it into my head/ heart/ soul. So for me right now, my quiet times are not good to have, they are essential. I have started getting up at 6am and having a time with God before the boy wakes up at 7am and it's great. I love it.



In the middle of one of my (daily/ hourly) worry sessions I was worrying over the IVF cycle. My hubbie has said that this is the last one. He can't commit our family to more emotional, financial and physical (my body does not take well to the IVF drugs) outlay. I agree with him and support his decision. But I could not stop thinking "this is the last one'..."this is the last chance". The last chance to be pregnant. And suddenly God spoke into my heart "I decide". It was like clarity returned and I could breathe.

God decides if it's my last chance. He decides how many children we have.

He decides.

It brought such peace to me. He decides. So I don't have to worry. He spoke a similar word to me during the heinousness (new Sammy word) and powerlessness of the adoption process. He said "They don't choose you, I choose them" In other words I decide. I decide where Rupi begins.

God decides. He alone. And I find myself at peace knowing that.

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3 comments:

Simoney said...

That's awesome Sammy. What a great revelation that is. Luv You xx

Penny said...

You have a Lion Heart and are very courageous! Keep going x praying with you

GB said...

What an awesome passage. Penny is very right - you are very courageous. I have so much hope for you guys. I keep thinking of the friends lowering the man through the roof to Jesus ..... I'm holding onto that stretcher too, bringing you to Him, so that He can do His thing. He will decide.

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