Lay it down

Been a bit shocked by myself over the last few days. About stuff that I have been carrying.

Infertility is a hard road. Its tempting to think that I am being dramatic sometimes when I describe the reality of this trial as I am a rather dramatic person, but I am not. If anything most times I tend to down play it.

It's hard and tearing and claws the very breath from you. So sometimes in order to cope with life Infertiles create safety or defence mechanisms. They are often not pretty but in the context of trying to survive infertility and love God and trust Him, I think they are understandable.

One defence mechanism is the shut down of emotion at other girls pregnancy or baby announcements. The one where everything in you tries to be happy for that other person but the pain of it not being your turn (again) is overwhelming. If you truly went there and looked at the possibility of it never being your turn it would just be too much.

The problem is that this defence mechanism turns into a lack of joy at other's successes. If you read infertility blogs this is a common thread that runs through their writing again and again. Girls are angry, frustrated and just upset that it's not their turn. The reality is that you are not happy for someone else.

Again, for those Infertiles reading this, I am going out on a limb here to say that sometimes I think it's ok to feel that. If someone had told me in the middle of just trying to put one foot in front of another, that I was wrong to feel upset that someone was having their third child while I was still waiting, it would be like a knife in my back.

God is talking to me a lot about grace and He is the author of grace. As long as our emotions and feelings and pain drive us back to him, they serve a purpose.

But.

Over the last couple of days I have felt no joy at someone elses success and also an ugly hint of gladness at someones misfortune. Someone I judged to have a "perfect" life. These are both people in blog land and none of my regular readers!

Yuck.

I need to lay some stuff down. The defence mechanisms are no longer needed. I have a child. Who am I not to feel utter and complete joy at someones pregnancy? These feelings crept up on me and utterly shocked me. As the heady euphoria of Rupi's arrival abates a bit (not the joy just the utter newness of it) some things are exposed. Things that may have been excusable at one time but are no longer so.

I lay that defence mechanism at the cross. I (we) need to examine our hearts and lives as we move into new seasons and lay down the things that belong back there.

So as I remove the plank from my eye I find myself returning to some beautiful verses that I have prayed before and ask God to fill me with a joy. A joy that overflows in the face of a pregnancy as well as a heart that weeps at someone elses misfortune. And I pray that God shows me those things I don't need to carry anymore so I can lay them down at the foot of the cross.

"And I will give you a new heart with new and right desires, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stoney heart of sin and give you a new obedient heart." Ezekiel 36:26

"Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me" Psalm 51:10