Certainty

I woke up this morning with the thought that my God is my certainty. The word was in my head when I woke up. He is my certainty.

In this IVF cycle there is no certainty. The general thought is that if you need to use IVF you will fall pregnant. We seem to sometimes have an unshakable belief in medical science. But there's no certainty with IVF any more than there is with "normal" pregnancy. It's a miracle.

That was one of the things my donor came to realise. This is not certain. There is no guarantee of pregnancy and that was hard for her.

My God is my certainty. He is the same now as on the other side of all of this. He was the same yesterday, is the same today and will be the same tomorrow. He is my certainty.

Worst case and best case, he is the same. None of us will be the same the other side of this. We will be either overjoyed or dealing with disappointment. But God will be the same.

And that is of tremendous comfort and security. We have learned over the last few years how little of life is certain. But He is certain. And because He does not change, we will be ok, either way.

All things change, but He does not. So we can safely put our trust in the Rock, our Redeemer. He keeps us safe, high above the stormy waters, above where no enemy can reach us.

And that is good.

So is this face. It fills my heart with joy.

I heart my doctor

This may be a ramble, my head is candy floss....

My doctor (my donor and I have different doctors within the clinic representing us) has been doing our scans over the last week. He rocks. I trust him.

So when I found our that neither he or my donor's doctor was on call this weekend to do the (possible/ maybe/ likely) egg collection, I was not happy. I trust my doctor the most, then I trust my donor's doctor. Mine is the most experienced and respected and hers is the "heir" to his position once he retires.

After another scan today when very little had changed, I wanted to weep. My doctor cheered us up by saying that should we have egg collection this weekend either he or my donor's doctor would come in and do it. That's good because I trust them. I may have said this already.

After the clinic meeting at midday we were called and egg collection will be Sunday. They are confident that we will have some good sized follicles.

Thank you Jesus. There is an end in sight. They are delaying egg collection by a day so my donor can have her little boy's birthday party on Sat. Can you believe it, the one day we wanted to avoid turns out to be THE DAY. Luckily the clinic is flexible.

I am so grateful for all the prayers at the moment. I feel buoyed up by them and know that God in near.

I heart my doctor but I heart Jesus more.

Autumn

windy and blustery. rain and shine. cold then warm. vivid colour.

We are doing ok. A bit weary to be honest. I just want "me" back, free of drugs and my poor donor is tired of the injections.


The scan yesterday showed that the growth of the follicles is still slow. Not surprising given our relationship and that I grew follicles slowly too. The doctor joked that I don't know how to do a cheap fast IVF cycle as he gave us more drugs. I dutifully laughed.


The clinic has boosted my donors drugs twice and she is now on double the dose she was on. She is sore and uncomfortable which is a good sign as things are moving and shaking.

Another scan tomorrow and hopefully we will have some concrete dates.

I wait quietly before God

for my hope is in Him

He alone is my Rock and my Salvation

my fortress where I shall not be shaken.

My salvation and my honour come from God alone

He is my refuge, a Rock where no enemy can reach me

Psalm 62: 5-7

Up and down and stop and start

The area of fertility medicine is not an exact science and this was proved today again! My donor and I just laughed over coffee after the scan. With all the technology and science, God is still clearly in charge and will not be put in a box!

Despite what the doctor and nurse said on Wed, we are not having egg collection on Monday.

My donor's follicles have gone on strike over the last few days and have not grown much at all. Nothing to worry about, we just need more drugs and slightly larger doses for a couple of days. Oh and more financial outlay too.... but that's just money- poo!

This is the nature of treatment and especially from now on. When you think you are in one place, you are really not and things change every 12 hours. This is the roller coaster part!

So another scan on Monday and egg collection is likely (I use that word lightly!) to be later next week. There is a finite point to this as follicles can only grow so big before something happens- I am not sure what but not keen to find out... So they can't push her past late next week.

Still, God IS in charge and He decides. It is lovely to be doing this with someone and laughing about the craziness together.

I have just one prayer now with two words in it: please God. Please God. Please let this time work God. I have faith that 4th time is the blessed (not lucky!) one!

Come on follies!

We had great scans yesterday. I have grown a great endometrial lining just right for little embies! My beautiful donor has 10 great follicles and quite a few smaller ones too. Go girl!

Her one ovary has developed follicles more quickly than the other side and I am praying that the smaller ones on that side have a growth spurt!

So.

Next scan is Sat morning and we (almost definitely!) have egg collection on Monday with the possibility of it on Tuesday. That means that replacement is late next week. Argh- SOOOOO excited!

My poor donor is really unwell and her littlest boy is not sleeping well at all at night. She is getting minimal sleep and is still having to go to work. She is such a trooper and doesn't even really complain. Also the one drug she is on (to stop her ovulating- one I have never been on) is really yucky. Stingy and burny on the way in and stingy and burny on the way out. It's got some other nasty side effects too. Poor girl. My heart breaks (and I feel ever so guilty too!)

OK, given that things are moving at the rate of knots and this is a very vulnerable time for us, I have a request.

If you are associated with my physical life (are at Equippers or in some other part of my life) and are a reader of my bloggie.......please become a follower

This just means that I will know who is following over the next month or so. This blog is open and is my journal and on it I talk about stuff that I really don't share all that easily. All are welcome and it is in the public domain. Its a God-thing and I believe the right thing to do.

It would help me tons to know where my physical life and blog life overlap.

Thanks muchly xxx

So proud....

..I could pass out! I (formally non-sewer-girl) made Rupi some pants! They are from a "pattern" in Soulemama's book "A Creative Family" and are made from one of my hubbie's old T-shirts. Yup. So proud.

But wait, there's more.

I made a SECOND pair of pants for him in merino wool and this time I had to adapt (gasp!) the "pattern" as these pants did not begin life as a T-shirt....

Here is my darling modeling the T-shirt pants for you.... I would have had a picture of the merino ones too but he vomited all over them this morning (3 vomits and 4 poos today- the washing machine has been pushed to its limits! It's panting and resting right now...)

Yes He loves to stand and locks his little legs when I try to get him to sit down. No way! He wants to stand!

I am so very tired at the moment. Tired like I was when Rupi first came home. The word for me from my God is to S....L....O...W down. Something I am not good at doing. I am trying to do treatment, get my little Etsy shop up and running, be a housewife, daughter, sister and friend while making my boy the number one priority (after the hubbie of course).

Too much.

So anyway...

Wed is the big reveal. My beautiful donor will have the first follicular scan and we'll see what we have. Hopefully we'll have a nice collection of follies all growing nicely. My donor wants 10 each side (that's tons by the way) but I would be happy with less. I mean, all I ever managed was 2 or 3 each side (each ovary that is) so anything more than that is wonderful.

It would be nice to have egg collection sooner rather than later for my donor so she can recover well for her little boys birthday party on the 2nd May.

Please keep us in your prayers xxxx

Kick in the pants time

We all need a kick in the pants from time to time. A real life story that inspires and challenges. A story of people actually getting in the face of darkness and going to the (often ugly) places that need our Jesus more than breath.



My friend Nicole has written a post of the story behind Chris Tomlin's song "God of this city". The first song on her blog is the song.



This is SO worth taking the time to watch and just inspired and challenged the heck out of me.



This really takes my focus off me (thanks Nicole xxx) and what I am facing and shows me the greater picture.



Wow.

Why I love my husband

He takes care of the goggas.

All together now... ggggogggas. Rolls those "g"s! That's South African for insects by the way.

We have a current ant problem and he has a plan. Heaven help any insect that sets a wing, claw or leg in our house because only heaven can. And that's where they end up...heaven.

The ants don't stand a chance. I hate ants or any other insect. Ants I can squish, other creepy crawlies no. That's where the hubbie comes in. I scream "Gogga!" (really helpful when panicking as you don't have to identify the type of yuckiness facing you) and in he charges with the spray can and anything else he can find.

The only time an insect won against him was back in South Africa. In Joburg we have "Parktown Prawns"- a hideous-huge-locusty-crickety-black thing that haunted my childhood. They are mean and squirt a black stuff. Eugh!

Anyway, he took one on with a broom one day and it chased him around the room. Did I mention they are smart? The insect world has been paying ever since for his humiliation...

So yes, I love my husband because he is taking care of the yucky ants. Which I am unable to cope with right now. Ah, the bliss of knowing they are taken care of!

Down we go!

And yes the nurse called with my blood results and I am "beautifully down regulated" (her words!)

So good news! I start oestrogen tablets tomorrow and should start feeling like a person again in a few days. My donor starts her injections tomorrow night.

Thank you for your prayers xxxxx

The bus....

Phew...feel like I have been hit by a bus. But a good bus. A bus full of hope and possibility but a large bus all the same



I am super tired and verrry emotional. Again not bad tired and emotional just drug tired and emotional. Want to sleep a lot and cry while doing it! Also have had some hot flushes but actually being home and not at work pretending all is well and I am just fine and dandy, is wonderful.



Did my second blood test today and it REALLY hurt. So I cried (again). My wonderful Mom came along again- love her. So we just need to see if all my hormones have bottomed out and then my donor can begin injections tomorrow.



We went to my nephews birthday party yesterday and Rupi played in a ball tent (ball pit? space with many balls?) for the first time. He's SO cute (I may be ever so slightly biased!)

My Genesis moment

The greatest conference on the planet is almost over. I wish I could be there tonight but my little boy needed a bit of home time. He has been SOOOO good as his Mommy dragged him out for two solid days!

Shout last year was pretty rough. My precious Da (my hubbie's Dad) was on holiday way down south and in the hills on his tribe's land. An hour's drive into the hills from the nearest highway and outside cell phone coverage. The way in is a rutted track that clings to the side of the hills- not pretty.

We got the news that he needed to get to the nearest hospital fast. His blood count was so low that if he had a heart attack (which was imminent) he would die. We were on our way into the first meeting of Shout and turned around grabbed some clothes and headed south. He was in hospital when we got there having the first of many blood transfusions.

We were so scared at the thought of losing him and 12 short weeks later, we did. Shout 2008 was the start of losing him and does not hold good memories.

But this year was different. We still ache for our Da but we know that through his illness he came to know Jesus and so we will see him again.

This Shout was so different.

This was a Genesis moment for so many of us. But for 3 couples the last 12 months have been life changing.

As the years have wound on there is a group of long terms Infertiles that have continued to wait for breakthrough. As everyone who walked through infertility got their breakthrough we could only watch. There was me and 2 others. These women are amazing and the hardest thing for me was the knowledge of what a gift they would be to children. They would be incredible mothers.

I admit that I struggled to even hope that the 3 of us would ever be Mommy's.

But this Shout, this conference WE ARE ALL MOTHERS.

In the last 12 months our situations have turned around 180 degrees. We are all mothers.

I could not contain myself. I am so grateful.

The most awesome thing is that the gratitude I feel flows from the deep place that was formed by the pain of infertility. Infertility ripped my heart and I would give that hurt to God and worship Him from there. It would hurt so much and I would stand there crying (again and again) but it was a sacrifice of praise. My even if.

I found myself the "big cry baby girl" again this conference. I was weeping as the gratitude flowed. For E and B too, who are now mothers. I am so thankful.

I am sorry if I go on and on about how grateful I am but words just don't do what He has done for all of us justice. When I see E walking through the foyer with her little boys (yes plural!) I just want to weep as I know what they mean. God restored the years that the locusts ate. And the beauty of the whole thing is that on the first day of Shout those little boys got E and M as their forever Mommy and Daddy in court. That actual day.

E and I just look into each others eyes. We know. We know what He has done.

This Shout was our Genesis moment. I have loved this conference, the speakers, the revelation, the way God showed up and whispered "watch me do the impossible"..... but what I will remember is how grateful I am. How I stood with Rupi at the back, worshiping. Me. So called barren girl.

God came through. Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

Kyros time

We have just returned from an incredible conference. It was a gathering of the pastors and senior leaders of our movement. We were invited as we are Kingdom Builders (people who believe a primary purpose of their lives is to resource the kingdom and it's extension). It's such a honour to be there.

Last year at the conference we were smashed emotionally. Utterly devastated. We had just had our first adoption attempt fail which had followed the third and final IVF cycle. We had nowhere to go and no hope at all.

On the last day I found myself in conversation with the leader of our movement, a man who is one of my heroes. He was so encouraging and just comforted us. (He also told me to create a platform for my story- hence the blog!!!)

Later he asked if we would like prayer from everybody. We leapt at the opportunity and this gathering of incredible spiritual giants prayed for us. Prayed for a baby.

It was "impossible" and our year just got darker when my Da (my father-in-law died at the end of June) But the darkest hour is always just before the dawn. Little did we know that when that group of pastors and leaders prayed for us, our son was already conceived.

The miracle was on it's way.

I was desperate to be there this year. Now I know why. It was the completion and sealing of something in me. How is it possible that 12 months after we were utterly devastated and childless with no hope of breakthrough, I walk into the same place with a 5 month old son?

In our natural Chronos sequential time it makes no sense. It just does not add up. It cannot add up.

But God is outside our timing. He sees the beginning from the end and operates in Kyros time. I never ever thought in my wildest dreams last April that I would walk the same hotel and grounds, talk to the same people..... with a 5 month old child.

Our Winter has ended and Spring is here. I rejoiced as I spent time with these people. Each moment was a revelation of His goodness to me. And it was so humbling to see the joy on other's faces as they saw the miracle child. This is a victory for the church, not just for us.


God came through. I am not forsaken.


Let me add.

If He did it for me, He will and can and longs to do it for you.

I am not very special. I am an ordinary girl who struggles to live for her God. Who has great bouts of doing quiet times and droughts where sometimes quiet times don't happen. I did not DO anything to receive this miracle. I am not more holy than you.


If He did it for me, He will do it for you. I pray that you are encouraged. This is more than I dreamed or dared to hope for.

He will do it for you too.

My box of tricks!

updated.......a clarification!

My post below makes it sound like this is the first IVF cycle I have had support for.....ummmm NO WAY! I have had incredible support from my best friend, friends, family, bloggie friends, church family and people that know people I know. It's been such a blessing and I appreciate it so much.

What I meant to say was that this is the first time someone has supported me with their body. And that's very unique. It takes support to a whole new level. My donor will know what taking drugs is like, will know what an ultrasound is like and know what egg collection is like. That kind of support and generosity blows my mind!

So hopefully that clears it up. Does in my head anyway...!

Here is the most expensive cooler bag ever!

We both went to the clinic on Thursday to pick up our stashes of drugs. My poor donors eyes were like saucers as the nurse showed her how to inject her drugs. She did so well!

It feels so good to be doing this as a duo. I found IVF so lonely as while my friends and family are so loving and supportive, it's happening to my body. No-one could know what it feels like. And even though my husband is incredible he is the opposite gender! As the woman, it all happens around your body.

So now I have a matie who already gets it. She knows the stress and anxiety and is completely there with me. Even though we have very different treatments going on, we are doing it together. Two girls doing this as one.

Man, that feels so good! I feel like I have someone fighting my infertility with me. She is down in the trenches with me, in the mud and slush, doing combat with me.

I am so blessed.

Beyond comprehension.

Because I have her but I also have another who would do the same thing for me. I am so humbled and thankful.