The winner is....

TEA!!! Yay! I am so glad it was you- a little bit of beauty for a beauty xxx. Email me with your details and I will post it off to you.

My lovely assistant making the draw

The (slightly blurry) evidence. My assistant was complaining at this stage and I was hurrying...

Congratulations Tea!

Love tank loaded!

My love language is gifts (read this if you have no idea what I am nattering on about...) I struggled with feeling shallow for years that I love giving and receiving gifts but frankly, it's how I roll. Which begs the question of how I made it so long without doing a giveaway??? Will have to be a regular thing from now on I think. Make sure you enter to win!

Anyhoo...

Today I got two parcels of goodness. Two! And both utterly unexpected.

First up was a courier parcel all the way from South Africa. Woohoo! My Dad's sister still lives there and I love her to pieces. I send her presents and she sends me presents. This month is HER birthday so the only present should be for her but she has reciprocated. I am lovingly frustrated as I wanted to make August all about her, but sending me parcels is how she rolls...

Here's the stash, I know it's all lovingly selected. Man, I miss her.











And! My hubbie came home with gifts for all of us. Admittedly I have been a bit grumpy over the last two days and he thought it was time to add to the love tank.....!

He got a cute raincoat for Rupi, shoes (awww!) for Blossom and Lady Antebellum CD for me. Now I must be the only human on the face of the earth who has not heard of them. In my defense Rupi is very strict (i.e. throws a tantie if we do not listen to his choice- it's about him and the guitar!) about the music we listen to. And it's quite limited: Mainly Music, the Wiggles and Equippers DVD- so he can watch Zac on the guitar. Limited, I tell you. Anyway, this band is incredible!






Love tank? Filled.

A Giveaway!

I love blogging. I love how as I have opened up (and actually allowed comments!) I have got to know an amazing circle of bloggy friends. We are like this tight little circle of mates from close by, up north, down south and across the sea. It's fabulous and I so appreciate you all.

To celebrate I want to show a little bloggy love! So may I introduce my first ever giveaway!

This little beauty is something I bought for my friend M's birthday before I changed my mind and got her something else. It's from one of my favourite stores (Diva) and will cheer you up if you are approaching autumn or remind you of what is to come if you are approaching spring. It's a coral, cream and floral bit of goodness!

Oh, and of course I will throw in a bit of kiwi chocolate. Our chocolate is YUMMO!




So leave me a comment to be in the draw. If you are a regular commenter, part-time commenter or never-before commenter I would love to hear from you! Draw closes on Sunday 12pm (my time) and winner will be announced Sunday night. The winning person's name will be drawn from a tupperware bowl by the sticky hand of my small man.....nice.

Cornered and loving it

A girl cornered me in the parent's room on Sunday.



"So Sammy, who's connect group (life group/ homegroup etc) do you go to?"



Me "Errrr... (cough cough)...ahhh...no-ones?"



Our church is BIG and so connect groups are the villages within the city. I know this. And I lead a connect group so I need to be plugged in myself. I know this. But when the one I went to disbanded in December I just sort of floated around. And to be fair, I HAVE had a baby inbetween. And... (AND) I did try to find one near where I live and even tried (with no success) to convince someone I admire to start one near me..... Can you hear the justification, haha!



Anyhoo... it was well time to be challenged and the girl who asked the question will never shrink back from a good old challenge. Love it as we need to be unafraid to ask the questions.



After some chatting about where I could go I discovered that GAIL and SIMONEY go to a connect group together and it's at Simoney's house and I love them both and I could easily get to Simoney's house and I know the way there well and I was SO EXCITED!!!!! I know that I am making a lot of you jealous at the fact that I get to go to connect group with the two of them...(sorry!) Does it make anyone feel better if I say how grateful I am? VERY VERY GRATEFUL!!!!!! And excited. But I may have mentioned that.



So I went along last night and loved it. LOVED IT! Gail shared and my gosh, it was good. She is wise and so real. And the other girls weren't so bad themselves. Simoney was sick and may have infected the room, but it was her house and so she had the right.



YAY! Slightly excited.









P.S. Sorry about the excessive use of capitals in this post...!

Week-ending with...

A little guitar playing on the toilet....











And eating cereal with a black eye (see R eyelid) courtesy of a bit of rough and tumble with the cousins!

Judged

*UPDATED* Thank you so much for the comments. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. And yes, the hubbie has said not to send the email and to shrug the comment off. My wise man.

*ORIGINAL POST*

This is a cutie I designed earlier in the year.








Today I was in the neighbourhood and popped in to say hi to the owners. As I was leaving the owner said to me 'You really should be home with your baby". She may as well have hit me over the head with a baseball bat. I managed to smile and walk out to my meeting.


This is the email I have written to her. It's one I will run past my hubbie before sending tonight and may never be sent. In fact probably won't be. Oh well.


Dear V

It was lovely to see you today and I am so glad that the shop is flourishing. I just wanted to respond to the comment you made when I was leaving.

The comment was that I really should be home with my baby. I am acutely aware that my little girl is only 13 weeks old. I don't want to work right now but financially we have no option. I would love to have at least the rest of the year off but I will lose the clients I have, who have already waited 3 months for me.

It's true that I love what I do and dealing with people like you, N and D, but this is not the reality I choose right now. Even though I don't choose it I can choose to smile and have a good attitude about it. So while it may seem like I don't mind being away from my little girl, I do.

I work part time from home and have a nanny for 4 mornings a week. This is the best I can do right now. I agree that I should be home with my baby. I just can't.


Kind Rgds

Samantha



Trying not to feel stinky as it's pointless. I love the life God has chosen for me. Wish I could shrug off people's comments. Poos.

Nanny news

Well I am so pleased to say that Rupi has accepted the nanny. That short sentence does not nearly convey the depths of my heartfelt gratitude. This episode drove me to my knees, people...my KNEES! As per usual, God came through, He rocks!


Rupi greets the nanny each morning at the door with a babbling monologue and then takes her hand and leads her off somewhere. I am overcome with thankfulness at this point every day.


He's now ok with me leaving (PRAISE GOD!) and says bye and waves to me. I no longer drive away with the mommy-guilt-knife sticking into my chest. I no longer stop up the road and cry as the picture of him screaming for me as I leave is all I can see. Today I left happy and wondered what this new strange feeling was. Oh yes, happiness, there you are! Welcome back. I went off to my meeting relaxed and chilled, secure in the knowledge that my small boy was happy.


I think it has been quite an adjustment for the little man. He wakes up from his midday nap and is generally a bit fragile. He wants to be picked up for cuddles- every single day. We sit on a big comfy chair and he curls himself up onto me and we hug. I whisper secrets into his ear and he listens. Then when he's feeling ok he gets up and we get some kind of treat. Usually a frozen fruit treat- a Fruit Squitz. Food always rounds a cuddle session off well!


Here is my slightly sleepy, well cuddled, tousle haired small boy after a nap with his treat....awwwww.....











P.S. And Blossom? She is just fine.

Wordless Wednesday

My clever boy!

{Disclaimer: this post mentions lots of wees and poos!}

I am so proud of my little man! At 21 months old he is 99.999% potty trained while he is awake! I haven't tried to get him through a nap yet, that's the next step. He now wears "big boy undies" all the time when he is awake. He goes out in them too and he's learned to use toilets other than the one at home with the use of his portable baby toilet seat.

Have I mentioned how proud I am????

This is such a big thing for us as we have been doing a method of toilet training called "Elimination control" since he was about 8 weeks old. The basis of this method is that babies naturally have a rhythm/ timing for wees and poos. If you figure out when they go you pop them on a little potty and they learn that this is where they go. They develop control really early. Rupi could hold onto poos from about 8 months old and wees from 14 months.

{Rupi at 10 weeks}

This is the book we read. The theory is that we train them to go in nappies in our western culture and its true that in Africa/ Asia etc they don't have babies in nappies. We did the part time option as the true elimination control means NO nappies at all. I was not brave enough for that and I think you would need to be at home a lot. I don't think I could have worked at all.

{Rupi at 6 months}

I remember my friend's brother being potty trained by the time he was 11 months and according to my Mom, kids were potty trained far earlier when we were little. The opinion going round is that disposable nappy companies have helped to push the age we potty train up and up- more profit I guess.




Anyway, the breakthrough for us was when Rupi started holding on for wees at 14 months. Then it was just me being brave enough to start getting him in the big boy undies!




The undies we used are made by my friend M. They are super! They look and feel like real undies, thin and super cute. BUT they have a waterproof lining that holds a wee. You need to change them once they are wet but they hold moisture long enough for you to get them to a toilet and change them.

{Rupi at 13 months}

My friends and family have thought we are off our rockers for most of the time and I won't lie, it's a lot of work. But so worth it when I look at him now!

{Big boy undies- 15 months}

Missing

Grief is an odd thing. Everyone grieves differently. I have grieved very differently for my father-in-law than my hubbie has. His grief was all encompassing and very strong. It’s now faded and the good memories remain. Mine was less overwhelming but has taken longer to subside.

It’s been over two years since we lost him but in many ways I am not over it. I miss him horribly at certain times and at those times, the loss is indescribable. The last time I felt this was the day Blossom was born. I kept expecting him to walk into the hospital room and somehow could not come to terms with the fact that he would not. It was so surreal.

I also dream about him and the dreams are so vivid. I dreamed about him last night again. In the dream he had died but somehow was back. He had been in heaven but was now living back on earth and had just arrived. He met Rupi and I introduced him to Blossom by handing her to him. I was crying and I told him how much I had missed him. How much this moment meant to me, that he was here and meeting his grandchildren. I remember trying to explain the loss we had felt and now the joy that he was here. In the dream words were inadequate as the feelings were so huge.

Even today, hours after I woke up, I had this sense of loss. I mean, it’s been over two years! And still I feel such loss at times.

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this and how long it takes to “get over” losing someone. It’s like part of me cannot accept he has gone. Part of me has not realized he’s not here anymore. Crazy.

Here we go!

Tomorrow I start the Makers Diet. I heart this diet although it's not really a diet more like a healthy eating plan/ lifestyle.

I first heard the author at a conference and was so inspired by his story. He was chronically ill and his body healed itself when he started eating this way. You basically eat the way people did in Old testament times- food as unprocessed, natural and whole as possible.

I did the Makers Diet a couple of years ago when we were going through our "what-the-heck-is-going-on-with-my-body-and-why-can't-I-make-decent-eggs" stage. I never felt better and my energy levels went through the roof. I feel like a giant slug at the moment....s...l...o....w... All the infertility drugs, pregnancy and eating rubbish have taken their toll. Well no more!

It's hard to do and the first two weeks are deadly. Sort of a detox. So tonight I am eating chippies, chocolate and have some ice cream to go as a fond farewell. And yes (I suffer from IBS- irritable bowel syndrome at times) I now have bad stomach cramps and will be spending time with my friend the toilet tonight.

My body needs help. But I have to give that maple walnut ice cream a go. New Zealand does not kid around with dairy products- this stuff is wonderful! I can eat though the cramps! I am made of tough stuff.

Wordless Wednesday- Baby in the basin

Thanks Andrea!

A HUGE thank you to Andrea from A Princess in Training for redoing my blog! I love it- it's simple and clean with a vintage edge. Yummy!

She is an awesome chickie- check out her blog and her sweet little girl and wonderful hubbie.

If you want a blog redesign then she is your designer. Easy to deal with and talented as well. Her email address is on her blog

Here I am

Simoney did a post celebrating her Blogiversary and asked us to link to our first blog post. I linked to my second post as my first one was just saying "hi" (to myself).

I started the blog as I knew it was a God-thing but was scared to be so out there with infertility. I only switched the comment feature on after about 6 months! I didn't want anyone saying anything as I was so fragile.

I read the post and my heart just breaks for all the infertiles out there. My heart breaks for the me back then and I realise how far I have come.

It's funny, I was chatting to a girl at church last night and she said that she can tell women who are pregnant. Amost before they know they are themselves, she can tell. I am the same with infertility. I just know that I know the ones who are suffering. I look at them and I can see through the smiles and the laughter to beneath. I just know.

I am freshly grateful for my blessings. I look at my heart and it's healed. The scars remain but they are beautiful. They are reminders of the victory God has brought about.

So here I am. Eternally grateful. Thank you Simoney for the reminder of what God has done.

Pressing in

Finding God where I need Him. And I really need Him. This week has been so rough with the nanny. Rupi is not accepting her. It’s so stressful and I am trying to be so upbeat. It’s hard.

I feel bad sometimes that I tell it how it is. I used to hate people complaining about their children. So I am always reluctant to complain. I hope that this is not seen as complaining. I just can’t pretend that it’s all plain sailing. Gail’s post about keeping it real was so good. If we can’t be honest here in our on-line journals, where are we real?


Nicole’s post was also so very good. God often uses her words to speak to me. Suddenly there I find Him. I can breathe again. Her post was about her life and the sweet victory she is experiencing. But He spoke to me about my situation and I believe I too can have victory.

She posted a song Json Ft. Thisl and Ad3. I can’t even pronounce their names I am so uncool! But Something resonates. I am not created to be the tail. This does not have to be this hard. This is the Promised Land. It is not the wilderness.

The song lyrics : You are not a goon*. That’s not why He created you. He made you for His glory. In His Image and His Likeness.






I have been on my knees praying for Rupi to adjust. For him to grow in confidence and security. He is made in God’s Image and His likeness and does not have to behave the way he does. He may not be able to choose but I can for him while he’s young. I can stand in the gap for him.

I am praying over my house that it’s a place of peace and harmony. And today was a tiny bit better. And by faith tomorrow will be better.

I would never swop this for even one nano second. This is what I choose and what I dreamed and hoped for. This is what I ached for. And I love it. Even in the killer times I love it. My sweet little boy is asleep now and I can’t wait for him to wake up. There will be tantrums and timeouts and smacking Mama but I can’t wait.



I saw on a quote on another blog and it speaks to me:

These are the days of miracles and wonder. By Paul Simon



They truly are. My family is made for His Glory.

*Goon: see Nicole's post for actual meaning.

Meaning for me: The underdog. The oppressed.

Meaning for Rupi: Insecure and beneath. Lacking in confidence. Slave to his emotion.

Phew-eeee!

The nanny started yesterday. She is happy. Blossom is happy and yes, I am happy. There's only one person left out of this equation...


Rupi.


He is being h.o.r.r.e.n.d.o.u.s. Screaming, crying, smacking etc! He won't have a bar of the nanny. I called my friend K in desperation and apparently I need to leave the house. So tomorrow I will go out for coffee. It's making his adjustment harder with me around. But I have to be around as I work at home.


Yikes.


The nanny said as she left that today seemed better than yesterday. Glad she thought so! My head knows that he plays up with me around as I am the soft touch. And my head knows that the minute I am gone he will get on with it and have a good time. My head knows this from experience. But my heart does not know this at all. And when he cries (with big globby tears) and stands in front of me asking to be picked up, it's so very hard to be strong.


My sister works with Barnardos and says that adjusting takes time. I expected it to be fabulous straight away. And I HAVE to work. So it's either daycare or this. And this is better for him with his personality than daycare.




I am the adult. I know best as I can see the big picture. I am the adult. I know best. Get in line heart!


On a positive note, he's learnt to "help" wash dishes. So cute! I give him a brush and some plastic cups and he spends ages washing for Mama. How cute is this?












And I can spend forever looking into these particular eyes....








This is good. This is the promised land. And the promised land is filled with milk and honey. Little Rupi just needs to realise that the honey at times may be given to him by someone other than Mama. And that realisation takes time when you are only 22 months old!