Adoption rhythm

This whole adoption thing still takes some managing. We need to find a rhythm in this. As we've never walked this road before and probably never will again, it's all new.

And we didn't know of anyone else who's adopted before. Let's not get started on WHY that is and HOW only 25 (approx.) adoptions happen PER year in Auckland. Let's just not go there...

Anyway.

I was chatting to someone we finally found who's adopted a child and she was stunned at how open our adoption is. It made me feel a little bit proud of what we've done and also gave me permission to manage the open-ness too.

The level of open-ness was set before Rupi was even born. We (were quite naughty and) did things under the radar a bit as far as the social services were concerned. This was driven by Sweetpea and her family. Sweetpea said to us that unless we met her, she would not consider us. This is a huge no-no with the social services. No meeting until after birth.

We longed for a child and would have tap danced over hot coals if they had said that's what we needed to do, so we met Sweetpea and her family.

They asked for openess and we agreed. They wanted a lot of contact as did J's family when we met them. So how do you go back on your word once the papers are signed? You don't.

This created huge issues for me to be honest. I struggled with the right to call myself Rupi's mother. And it made me very defensive (initially) with the birth families. In retrospect we should have taken a good couple of months out and had time to solidify ourselves as a family and THEN intergrated the birth familes. But how do you go back on your word? You don't.

Fast forward two years and we are still finding our way. Adoption is fluid and seems to change constantly. We also need to bear in mind Rupi's needs as well as the needs of the birth familes. The birth familes have come first in many ways and now I think Rupi needs to come first.

Rupi is a very reserved personality. He is very attached to Dida and I and finds it hard to leave us or be separated from us. He is even reserved with our parents sometimes if he hasn't seen them for a week or so. He still performs when the nanny arrives and takes a while to adjust each morning. As I have posted before I am not sure what impact adoption has had on him and we are just not willing to push him too much.

But I do push him when it comes to the birth familes. To interact with them. They bribe him with sweets to sit on their laps and cuddle him. It has got to the stage when I am uncomfortable with it. I think we need to let him be. He's only 2 years old and acts the same in all social settings. He's like a shy little woodland creature. Not really a deer though, something more solid....maybe a badger???? or a little bear? Yes, a little brown bear- awww...[Anyway, get back to the point girl] He needs time to emerge from the undergrowth and connect with people.

So we are going to need to gently manage that. It's hard because he is ADORED by J's side of the family who shower him with gifts. On the other hand, Sweetpea and her family didn't even send Rupi a birthday card. I found that hard. No doubt about it. But Dida reminds me that we can't force anything.

So very gentle managment is needed. With constant adjustment around Rupi's needs and awareness. It's a good thing and we are so grateful for two wonderful families. We are walking an unfamiliar road and learning the way as we go. And that takes flexibility and finding of new rhythms.....

Ornament heaven

This weekend we did our annual Christmas tradition of buying a Christmas tree ornament. We did it last year with Rupi and this year we had little Blossom along. [Although to be honest she slept her way through the experience]

I just love it. We head off to a Christmas wonderland of a shop with sparkling lights and every Chistmas decoration you could imagine. Then we do coffee. Perfection.

We chose an ormament for the tree and then the children get one. And when they leave home one day, they take their ornaments with them. They will be like a marker or memory trail through their childhood and into adulthood.

This year Rupi chose his own ornament. Last year Dida helped him choose and I got him one the year before.

And this is what he choose. Hmmm. But it is HIS choice as his interior designer of a mother has to remind herself. So we dutifully bought him the red felt kiwi on a plain ply backing.

I chose an angel for Blossom's first ornament. And so the tree is decorated and the decorations up. Christmas is coming. And I am so excited I have trouble concentrating!

Priceless

I love this girl. With all my heart. She's loyal and deep and sensitive. And she loves me (happy sigh..)

She is also a priceless wife. Her hubbie has finished his studies (yay for him- so talented and smart and very handsome- hey, Mr Samoa- I know you agree!) and Penny has supported him from start to finish.

She has cheered him on and believed in him. She has lifted him up and encouraged him. What a wife! Such hard times and they have done it together. Pulled as one and come through stronger. Penny is a wonderful wife and (ok, in a NOT wierd way!) if I was a boy and not her sister I would want to be her husband. Even writing that sounds wierd but in my heart it's not, haha!

Now we can all look forward to next year! 3 cheers for Penny!!!!!!

Gotta love it

Here is Blossom's food salvation. Goodness in a tin, protein broken down and easy to digest. Yummo, if you like your food in a bottle.

We (the doctor and I) trialed Blossom on this with good results. So I needed a paediatrician to apply on our behalf, to the Ministry of Health, for a subsidy. As this formula is drop dead expensive. Like $87 per SMALL tin expensive. Which adds up to $171 per normal size tin. Normal formula is between $15 and $22 per tin for the same amount.....yup. Kind of expensive.

So we got the subsidy approved and I popped down to the chemist to get my stash of tins. I knew it wasn't fully funded but had no idea what we would end up paying. Are you ready? We pay $7.50 per tin. $7.50!!!! Which makes it $15 per normal size tin. Stop it! I know. Craziness.

I am just not used to this type of thing. Where I grew up you don't ever get anything for free. If you don't work you don't have food to put on the table. South Africa does not have a welfare system. At all.

So I expect to pay for myself. I don't expect free healthcare, schooling or pension. I am working towards paying for myself when I get old. So this just blows me away. The government is paying nearly $80 per tin so Blossom can eat properly. I am so grateful.

Thank you whoever. I like Penny, would like to write a letter to someone and thank them. But who? The prime mminister? The Health minister? Bit laughable really but I am so grateful.

And so my little Blossom does not have puffy eyes any more, is not vomiting as much and has regular poop. You gotta love that!

Thankful

When I have meetings in the city I get to drive over the Auckland Harbour Bridge. Most days I look at the sea under the bridge and marvel at its beauty. But today my thoughts and gaze were fixed upwards. On the flags on the bridge that fly at half mast today. We are a nation in mourning. This is the largest loss of life for us in 31 years.

I think of the families and think of loss. And I know how they feel in some small way. I lost my beloved father (in-law) suddenly and I know how your world narrows, compresses and slows.

And as I think of them and their awful loss I am so thankful. Thankful that (God willing) my husband will come home from work today. I am so thankful that last night his voice filled the house. I am so thankful that I have a living husband and my children have a father who can wrap his arms around them. Some of those miners were exactly my husbands age. I am just so grateful to have my husband HERE with me.

Aware

As I bustle around my busy week, working and living life with my babies I am always aware. A shadow sits on my shoulder and I am always aware. Aware of the tragedy which has unfolded in the south island. 29 precious men trapped in a coal mine. And as a nation we peddled water. We could not go forward and we could not go back.

The rescue teams could not get into them. And so the miners waited, if they were alive. It's been 6 days and the tension in New Zealand is so thick it can be cut with a knife.

The mine is under conservation land and access to the actual mine is via a 2.5km tunnel. There are few ventilation holes and even drilling to assess air quality is problematic given it's position.

Toxic gases have accumulated and there has been a fire underground. So it's unsafe and no-one can get in. For 6 days we lived on a knife edge. Not knowing if the miners are alive, suffering or dead. Now we know. A second explosion ripped through the mine caused by the gas build up. And the men have been given up for dead.

We are a small nation. 4.5 million of us. The population of New Zealand can fit into the city I grew up in, 3 times over. We are tiny and this hurts. These men are our men. This hurts a lot.

So we pray and light candles and ask God to move. For His glory to be shown. For comfort. For peace.

Love and support

A bloggie friend asked me this question. And as I have been asked it a few times, I thought I would answer on here...

Q: How can I be a friend to and support someone going through infertility?

As I have written so much about this, maybe I could point you to a series of posts I have written. The one that really answers the question is this one. A letter I wrote to the people in our world.

And sometimes it helps to understand what infertility is really like too. So here are some posts about the reality of living and walking through infertility:

I started this blog in 2008, about 18 months before Rupi came home so it was in the middle of our struggle with infertility. The pain was pretty raw and there was a sense of unreality about my life. Infertility always felt wrong to me, like something that should have been natural to us, was being denied us. It was an incredibly painful journey for us.

People do deal with infertility in different ways as we are made differently. But every journey involves pain and grief. They are the two common elements.

Infertilty sensitises you. To the normal and natural world. Living in an everyday world was imnpossible sometimes and everyday events and occuranmces were so painful as all they did was highlight your lack. Especially when it came to pregnancy and babies.

It also brings a great deal of shame. Particularly when the issue is with your body. This is an area the enemy really tries to bring defeat in and it's a battle to over come it. I have no idea how people do infertility without God and a suportive church and family. No idea at all.

To make it through infertility I needed support and I needed my friends. They were a lifeline

to me. I love my friends. They stood by me and loved me and prayed for me. I can never say thank you enough.

They helped get me from despair to here.....