Closure

This Christmas was good!

It goes without saying!

But the main focus for us was the 27th December at 9.30am. We had a ceremony for my hubbies Dad and buried his ashes. We chose a spot that my Da loved. On the top of the hill at the back of the bach (holiday house). He loved it up there and would climb through the bush and trees and sit up there.

So this June his sons cleared an area and we planted a kauri tree. The little tree has taken root and we as a family felt ready to say our final goodbyes. The whole family gathered, along with his close friends, and we all climbed up the hill to say farewell. People spoke and we all cried and then it was time. We buried his ashes along with the ashes of his dog and each put a sprig of a native tree into the ground. The grandchildren were all given a little white shell to put on the top. And then we all descended and had family time together. Reminisced and laughed with love.

It feels good. Final. It felt incomplete up to this point somehow.

And now we are home. Sunburned and rash faced (well, those of us who reacted to the new sun screen are!) Ready to move forward and take on a new year. A scary huge new year. A God new year!!!

Happy New Year everyone! May 2010 be filled with God!

The good, the excellent and the miracle

The good: My Dad is doing ok with radiation. His crazy humour is intact and all he feels is a tingling where they are doing it. He says it's because the tumour is p****d off and angry (his words- crazy man!) He says he feels for the tumour because despite it's anger it has no idea it's going to zapped every day for the next month and die...... that's my Dad!

The excellent: We are having a GIRL! A girl, a girl la la la la! A little princess! We are so thrilled. We kind of knew at the 13 week scan when the scannie lady said it's likely a girl but wanted to wait until we were sure. Lets just say that yesterday we saw the girlie bits clear as day and the scannie man said he was 100% sure.

I am not used to being blessed in the area of children and this blows my mind. Not that we wanted a girl per se (we ARE just so thankful to be pregnant) , but wanted a girl for what we think Rupi needs. It will be so good for his confidence, security and identity in our family unit to be the only son. While God (of course)would have made it ok for him if we had another baby boy, this is just perfect. PERFECT!

Plus I get to do something first. We are having the first baby grand daughter on my side of the family (after 5 grandsons) That little gift from God just heals something inside. As the eldest I mourned not having the first grandchild, silly as that may be. This means that I am first with something. Wow. Amazing blessing. God cares about the details and the little heart aches that sometimes we don't even say out loud.

The miracle: on the way out of the scan I was dialling my Mom's number and tripped. Body slam onto the concrete floor of the car park. I wasn't able to protect myself at all. My hubbie nearly had a heart attack.
Miracle #1: I landed on my side and not my tummy.
Miracle #2: I am almost completely unhurt. A bit stiff but that's it!
And most importantly Miracle #3: after being sent to the emergency department and dying a million deaths while being examined..... the baby is ok. Heartbeat still going, still moving, no bleeding, no placenta rupture and no amniotic fluid spill. And nothing happened overnight or today.
And yes, I realise that using my phone and walking is not good. On the bright side, it's times like these when I realise how much my hubbie loves me. he was beside himself. Literally.

So a drama filled day or two, nothing less in my life. But God moved and all is well.

Shallow waters

I don't do shallow a lot. Not shallow in a bad sense, shallow in terms of life. It's just how God made me, I am a deeeeeep thinker and feel things deeply too. And I can't do light and fluffy blog posts when stuff is going on. I cannot gloss over stuff and just have nothing to say. I write so many drafts and then just think "nah". Why bother....?

So.

My Dad has cancer- a very aggressive melanoma on his eyebrow that they have not been able to cut out. It's all been very sudden and is a tad scary.

And I have been in denial. Fingers in ears, singing loudly and pretending in the rush of things to do before Christmas that its not happening. But a couple of times I have found myself in floods of tears and so it's not good. I am not ok with this.

The prognosis is ok-ish. He starts radiation today and does it until the end of January. And melanoma is not as bad (apparently) as internal organ cancer. But I have no ability to reason this one out. The prognosis for this incredible man was also good and he was supposed to survive and conquer. And I realise that we are not over losing my beloved father-in-law even 18 months on. The thought of losing my Dad at this point is just too much.

Reason says to believe that this is not terminal (but neither was my Da's). Reason says to believe my Dad when he says it's going to be ok (but this is what my Da said too) Reason says that this cancer is minor (but so was my Da's) My heart is struggling to get in line with my head.

So I guess I go back to what I do know. What has sustained me in the past . And that He will do the same now. Because He is God and he is good. He is victorious over all situations. He sustained us before and will do it again. He is God and He is good.

Yup.

Jealous and the Rocky Road

I am so bummed I missed out on the bloggers day up in Warkworth. Read Paisley Jade's, and Gail's blogs for details. AIEEE!! Woe is me for missing out!!!! Ok, less of the drama, I had work to do.....


Mrs L, my business partner, and I were making client gifts yesterday and today handed them out to am ecstatic response (people LOVE chocolate!) We made gourmet rocky road and packaged it up in gorgeous Kikki K bags and tags. Mrs L and I both adore chocolate and good packaging....hence the choice of gift!


Our recipe:


No exact weights of ingredients, but buy plenty of each as you want the rocky road to be a thick chunky bar. Plus how bad can it be to eat the left over ingredients???

• Good quality dark chocolate. We used Whitakers 72% Ghana bars.



• 2 tbsp of Kremelta (or other vegetable shortening) per 270g bar of chocolate



• Sliced roasted almonds



• Dried craisins



• Soft jelly strawberry and cream sweets. This could varied to be anything!

Put all the ingredients in a roasting pan lined with cooking paper and pour the melted chocolate/ kremelta mixture over the top.

*warning* you will not be able to stop at one piece. The only way we got through was to not sample the finished product. Although there was plenty of sampling of the individual ingredients!


This may be an annual things judging from the response we are getting. Hopefully next year we can brand our packaging thinking little white boxes with gorgeous red ribbon.... And maybe a white chocolate rocky road too, with coconut, toasted almonds and chopped up white marshmallows? YUM!



For another great recipe read Simoney's latest post. How crazy that we have both posted on Rocky road!

A little tradition

I love traditions. I grew up with lots and birthdays and Christmas' were such amazing times. I also grew up in an Anglican church and just loved the traditions around Easter and Christmas. Say what you like about Anglicans (fair to say I cannot agree with the liberal stance the church has here and in South Africa) but they have an awe and reverence for God through tradition that I just love.

One of the Christmas traditions we started is to get a new beautiful and special ornament for the tree each year. Off we go (and no looking at the price!) and choose one. So how much fun has it been to include Rupi in that tradition! We plan to buy him his own ornament each year and one day he and the little bean will have their own tree. Then when they leave home they take their own special stash of ornaments with them for their own home. I can picture Rupi's wife just loving seeing the ornaments her wonderful husband has had since he was a baby (happy sigh!)

Last year I got a little stuffed reindeer for him from Starbucks (where else? Oh happy place of mine! BTW NOT impressed with how they have run out of gingerbread and toffee nut syrup across the board!!!!! I wait all year, people! ALL YEAR! They need to estimate the demand better... seriously.)

Anyway. Where was I?

Oh yes, here is last years ornament. Cuteness personified!

This year we made an outing of it and went for an early morning coffee and muffin at Jones the Grocer in Newmarket. YUM! Go and have their coffee and food if you are in Auckland! What a treat. Across the road is Christmas paradise at the Christmas shop. They have a huge room with the lights off and lit by millions of fairy lights. It has tons and tons of Christmas trees all done up with different colours and themes. Every kind of ornament and decoration you can imagine. I just LOVE it there.

While I chose our Christmas ornament my hubbie "helped" Rupi pick his. Very masculine and a teeny bit scary... those teeth! But that's what Daddies are for, to help sons choose stuff that Mommies would not. So good.

I love the traditions we have. For another great post on traditions, have a look at Tea's blog! I heard Ian Grant from Parenting Inc say once that family traditions help keep kids out of gangs. Families with strong traditions make gangs less attractive as a primary draw card for gangs are their strong traditions and rules. Interesting!

Sweetpea

Today I had coffee with Sweetpea (umm... not her real name) who is Rupi's birth mum.

It was good.

There is a wholesomeness about her relationship with us and with Rupi. It's simple and pure. There seems to be very little clutter about it and I love it and her. As we get to know each other more and more she is opening up like a flower and asking for things. In a way that is really non-threatening to me. Things that she needs, like texts from me when Rupi does something for the first time. Simple. Do-able and wholesome. And I have longed for her to say what she needs because we would do anything for her.

I have struggled with adoption, I think you have to be made of stone not to. But mostly it's with the extended birth families and what I sense from them. Nothing bad at all, I just sense their desperation in a way. A perfectly natural and understandable desperation and grief. It has made me very uncomfortable and I have struggled with my "right" to be Rupi's mom around them. They are such wonderful people and would die if they knew this was how I had felt... but I have. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to others emotions but I am and God made me that way. It's almost always a good thing, but not so much in this case.

There is nothing in that desperation in our relationship with Sweetpea. There's grief for sure but because she chose this way and chose life for Rupi and chose us, the desperation is not there. I guess for the rest of the family, this was chosen for them and that's why it's so hard.

She is such an amazing young girl and is all of 16 years old. The choice she made was the hard one, only a handful make that choice each year while 17,000 choose to abort. Hers was the path filled with criticism and pointing of fingers. Her friends deserted her. She was a 14 year old alone socially. Hers was the hard path.

I thank God for her. She gave Rupi life and in doing, gave us new life (and hope and joy and laughter) As a person who's love language is gifts, I am overwhelmed at the gift Sweetpea gave us.

She is pretty special and it's all good.

Endless Gratitude

We have been hearing about gratitude at church lately which has been fabulous. It's really inspiring as I am so grateful for what God has done I could (and do) cry at times.

This is our second Christmas as parents and it just keeps getting better. I remember sitting with a sleepy little 8 week old baby boy late on Christmas Eve last year, just gazing at the Christmas tree. It was such a beautiful moment and I could not believe what God had done for us. 12 months on and God has done even bigger things. A business and a miraculous pregnancy- more than I could have hoped for or imagined. He has restored the years the locusts ate and blessed us beyond our wildest dreams. What a Christmas season we are having!

But here and now this is my focus. This blessing. This little man who fills my days with such joy. Strong and sweet, determined and tender. When I dared to dream about our children, this is what I longed for. A little man, boisterous and full of life. Someone who is bold and takes life on unafraid. People tell me I can't tell his personality yet, I don't believe that. He is already marking his journey through life and I adore what I see!

Thank you God! Thank you for lending us this precious gift. For allowing us to be his parents. We are eternally grateful.

16 weeks and 3 days

I am seriously popped now! And it may be because the little bean is now the size of an avocado! Yikes! And (apparently) is going to double in size over the next 3 weeks.... ouch.

Had a lot of stretching and aching as all the scar tissue starts to expand. But it seems to be normal and hurts less than I thought. I have only had to use Panadol once- woohoo!

I finally went for my bloods this morning and visited my friend B at Labtest in Milford who is nice and gentle. It was lovely to see how glad she was to see me and that it's all going well so far. I thought I had better go as I see the midwife next Monday and she gave me the blood forms a month ago!

Trying to slow down and appreciate this amazing time. Just so grateful.

Life is just not fair

Just brought to tears (again) at the thoughts expressed in one of the blogs I follow. This sweet girl's pain just screams out of the page at facing another Christmas without children.

I know that pain so well. Facing the start of yet another year without a baby. Looking back at a year that just involved pain and heart break. Everybody around us celebrating the season and all we wanted to do was crawl into a hole.

Yes I know God is not fair, He is just and glorious (and amazing). And we live in a fallen world with the consequences of having freedom of choice. And we were never promised an easy ride through life and one day this will all be made right.

But for the couples waiting that is cold comfort sometimes to be honest. And I just weep at their pain and wish life was fair. They are incredible couples who would make amazing parents. And we have babies being born so easily who are neglected and abused and unwanted.

I wish life was fair.

The Great Candy Exchange

Mine arrived! Woohoo! My heart did a happy leap as I opened the mail box.... there were my packages. Yes, I got TWO!

My partner is Froggity and she is super generous! Thanks Froggity- I love it ALL. I have started on the Charlston chews as they have chocolate (winner) and nougat (double winner). All I can say is YUM!

I have no intention of sharing anything but both my sisters read my blog so I set this aside for them....

Ok, ok, this then?

Haha! Happy! Oh Gail, I got suckers (lollipops) filled with tootsie roll! And because I had no idea what tootsie rools are I looked it up on Wikipedia...

Tootsie Roll is a brand of chewy candy, manufactured from an ersatz form of chocolate, that have been manufactured in the United States since 1896. They are one of the best-selling candies in the world.[1] The manufacturer, Tootsie Roll Industries, is based in Chicago, Illinois.

I better pace myself or the little bean will be having a mega sugar high.....

YAY!!

I can do this!

My life is big. Gorgeously expansive and stretching- oh wait, isn't that just my body (hehe!) I started a design company as I have mentioned many times. It's wonderful and God annointed and fulfils my life mandate of looking after the widows and orphans. God is blessing us and the jobs are coming through at a steady trickle. I love it.

But I never wanted it.

The reason is the client contact. Design is one of those professions where you need to get in someone's face and talk. No problem. Except for managing my little boy. I get called to go to a meeting tomorrow at this time. No problem I say, hang up and hyperventilate. Managing this all around him is really hard. I am truly blessed with my INCREDIBLE sister who invites me to drop Rupi off whenever and she looks after him. It's still incredibly hard though managing a fluid business with no set times and routines and trying to be a Mommy and run a home. Please hear me I am not complaining, it's just the reality of this is a little (ok,a lot) overwhelming at times.

I started reading Zechariah this morning...with the help of a commentary as I am not that holy OR intelligent to do it alone and the words spoke right to me.

We think when we return to/ or enter the promised land that life will be easy. Now that we have the promise life will fall into place. The promised land will be flowing with milk and honey and all we have to do is sit back and reap the rewards of holding fast. We think that we have done the hard work by enduring through the wilderness exile. That place where we waited and prayed and fasted and wept. The place where we looked at the promised land with such longing and imagined what it would be like. And though it’s incredible it needs a lot of work. It needs us to engage and put our backs to the wheel.

The people in Zechariah (Zech 1: 1-6) thought like me. They were faithful to God during their long captivity and held onto God’s promise of deliverance. Finally break though came and they entered the promised land. They came home. God saw them and rescued them. But like me they expected life to be easy in the promised land. They expected that everything would be in place and they could just relax and sit back. After all wasn’t that their reward for their faithfulness? Silly foolish people and silly foolish me.

The promised land is hard work. There is a lot of work to do and all of it is hard. Harder than we thought it would be. In Zechariah’s time after 70 years the people were living in a desolate land just waiting. They were meant to unite and build and build and build. A lesson to me.

This IS the promised land. I am living in the land of blessing. My days in the wilderness are over and break through has come.

It is a LOT harder than I thought. God has a plan for me and it does not involve sitting on my bum. I have a lot to do. I am raising a child and will be raising two next year. Alongside this is a business which is God ordained. This means hard work. Hard work managing children and a house and a business. I have the capacity and what capacity I don’t have, God does. He lifts me up when I am tired and overwhelmed.

I am not sure where I thought break through meant rest and doing very little. That expectation has nearly de-railed me at times and I need to let it go. This is hard work- end of story. Blessed, anointed, fun, crazy, grace-filled work.

And with God, I can do it!

Happiness is

I am just so happy.



My hubbie did some thing so wonderful this morning for Rupi but I am not allowed to share just yet. It's KILLING me. However as I am always respectful and submissive (ahem) I am obeying. He's incredible and makes me so happy.



Rupi and I had morning tea together at one of fav places in the whole world- Starbucks, while waiting for my hubbie. Yes I know, I know, Starbucks is a global coffee house and the coffee may not be up to every one's standard but it makes me SO happy! AND! The Gingerbread Latte is back!!!! I wait all year in anticipation and when it arrives round Christmas time, it makes me all happy and glow-y on the inside.















My amazing hubbie sorted out a family tangle this morning. Crazy stuff. Only he could do it. I was in awe as he stood firm, spoke the truth and took the lead with his immediate family. Love him and love God in him. He makes me so happy- again!



I have a bump!!!! I am overwhelmed that I have one. I have waited 7 years to expand out the front and despite the (many many) doomsayers, I am loving every moment! I feel great again and just love my sticky-out tummy.












I am so happy!

My my....

what a BIG boy!

From this....

To this!

And with a snip of the scissors (and lots of tears) we left the hairdressers officially a toddler!

14 weeks and 0 days

14 weeks today! Woohoo! My hubbie put his finger on it when he said "It all feels solid now" We are past the nail biting anxiety of the first trimester and are well into the second trimester. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???? I obviously can't at times!

I posted my candy off for the Great Candy Exchange but can't show what I posted as I had to do some last minute changes at the postshop when my 1.5kg of sweets cost the earth to send. So my photos are out of date! I had to ask the man behind the counter to repeat himself at the amount.... so some swopping occurred as I was not willing to let go of the two big bars of Whittakers chocolate I had in the stash. It's chocolate, people, and jolly near the best there is! Lucky I had spare packets of sweets on me (well, I couldn't buy for Froggity and not for myself now could I?) I got it down to 1.2kg and left it at that. There's only so much compromising a girl can do.

I also haven't posted about Rupi's first birthday party. It was a very awkward occasion and this is partly my fault. I really wanted both the birth mum and birth dad there as I know how much it will mean to Rupi one day to know they came. So I asked both and bless their hearts, they both came. But all the emotion, the grief and history meant that the two groups could not mix and so we ping ponged between the groups with Rupi in tow. Who had not had an afternoon nap and was very very grumpy.

We couldn't spend time with our family and friends and luckily they all amused themselves. The thick tension in the air was hard to miss, except by Mr G, Simoney's husband who finally figured out what was happening as they were leaving. Men.... God bless them and their ability to ignore vibes. Imagine a world of only women- horror!

We got some lovely photos anyway and this will fade to a distant memory. My hubbie is adamant though that the next time we inflict this torture on all concerned will be Rupi's fifth birthday!

.

The gathering of awkwardness

My Dad, Rupi and me

My Mom and Rupi

My MIL, Rupi and my hubbie

So yes!

It's out and everyone knows now. Feels great. Not so great that the news will really hurt some bloggie friends that I love. Praying for some special girls and their hearts.



We saw the little 7.5cm bean today and he/ she was so active. Barely kept still enough to get a good picture! But it's all good so far. The scan person (no idea of title!) said that the bean was picture perfect and that's good enough for me. I was desperate to see the heartbeat and she was so lovely. Put the scannie thing on my tum and 3 seconds later said "heartbeat!" We had not even made sense of the monitor yet. She was so nice.



So here he/ she is!










I cannot believe that this little bean is inside me! Infertile, barren girl! Honestly if it can happen to me it can truly happen to anyone.

The big white elephant

It's getting harder to blog normally and not talk about the pregnancy. Well, the last two milestones are nearly over. Today at Rupi's birthday party we'll tell the birth parents (gulp) and on Monday I have the 13 week scan.



It's been very quiet on the bump front and I have been a tad concerned. Plus I have been feeling really good since about 11 weeks and my energy levels have got back up again. I also feel less hormonal and more rational. To top it off my bump went down a bit but I thought that maybe it was because the tummy tissue wasn't bruised and swollen from the heparin injections anymore....



Anyway I didn't want to worry my hubbie so spoke to my Mom about it. She assured me it's ok and normal. Great! Today and yesterday I have felt achy and "drag-y" in my pelvis again. Also great and things are moving and happening. So the scan should be ok.



I should just blog about it and maybe I will. We told family that they could tell people and my mother in law (bless her Jesus, bless her) sent an email out to THE WHOLE WORLD. Including a Danish student who stayed with her about 6 years ago.... hello? He's pleased apparently. Being a private person this is quite overwhelming.



So really it would be good to get rid of this white elephant in the room that fills my whole vision!

11 weeks and 1 day

Well.



Feeling a lot more human which is nice. Must say, the secrecy is starting to kill me. All these posts are in draft form and I just want to publish them and get on with it! However my hubbie is adamant, 12 weeks and THEN we go public. Alrighty then.



I had another scan last week which went well so I am pretty relaxed now. I was a bit (!) scared before the scan, but once I saw the little heartbeat I cried (as usual) and was ok.



No more blood thinner injections or any other kind of medication. Lovely! I have more energy now. I wonder why our western view of medicine separates our body into pieces? Eastern medicine views us as a whole which makes more sense to me. It did not even occur to me than thinning my blood would sap me of energy. Duh. My body was having to work harder to get enough goodness around my body as the blood was all watery.



Anyway. This is a total ramble of a post. Will toodle before more meaningless waffle comes out of my head....!

Hurt

We decided to tell two sets of people our news today. They are good good friends and deserved to know. Trouble is that I know our news hurt.



I know what it's like to get our news. I know that hurt and pain intimately. So very well. I know the rush of feeling, the denial, followed by the sharp sense of pain which dulls into the ever familiar and present ache.



I hurt to hurt them. My heart hurts. We were both very somber after then calls we made.



And I am not sorry that it does hurt. I never want to forget what it feels like. Too much was experienced and felt and there is a respect for infertiles that I will never lose. I know when I finally publish these pregnancy posts that I will hurt some beautiful bloggers.



And I can't do a thing about it. And that sucks.

9 weeks and 2 days

So.





The last scan went well and my doctor had tears in his eyes. Probably so relieved to see the back of me (kidding!) I have been a patient for 4 years and the stats show that 80% of women are pregnant 2 years after becoming a patient so my finally falling preggers was a cause for celebration! I have now graduated from the fertility clinic. Gulp. Cast off into the sea of pregnancy without a clue. I think I am used to being told what to do, when and how with this whole fertility deal. I can no longer think for myself.....





Anyway, searching for an obstetrician and then I WANT ANOTHER SCAN. Just because. I am used to them and blood tests and pills etc. The freedom I have currently is a tad overwhelming.





We still haven't told many people. My hubbie wants to wait until 12 weeks although if my play boy bunny chest and swollen stomach doesn't give it away I don't know what will... The only thing in our favour is that it's not expected. We haven't been "doing a cycle" publicly. The reaction from the people we have told has been comical. A stunned look emerges as they try to take in the words we have just said, they ask us to repeat ourselves and then ask if it was natural. Pretty much the standard response. I am generally laughing by the end of the conversation at which point the person we have just told is doing some kind of victory dance. Very cute.





Must admit I am feeling horrendous. Pretty much permanently and severely hung over (for those of you with a PAST like ourselves that involved lots of drinking!) . I cannot eat enough and LONG for hot salty chippies. I would camp out at McD's if I could. I am trying to control myself but people, it's not pretty!





Other than that I am HAPPY. HAPPY. HAPPY. And very very grateful. Yessah. That about describes me....feeling yuck, happy and grateful!

7 wks and 5 days

I haven't even blogged about my scan yet and a week on I am 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant! I am a bad bad blogger! I am not posting any of my pregnancy posts on this blog until 12 weeks and haven't been blogging much on the other blog so the silence must be deafening...!



Anyhoo.



The scan last Friday (6 weeks and 5 days) went well!



I was terrified and so was my poor doctor. We were all holding our breath and while I changed and lay down behind the curtain I was hyperventilating. My hubbie said they could hear this fast heavy breathing from behind the curtain but no-one was in any frame of mind to laugh. It was TENSE.



He found the egg sac and then... I saw a flicker at the top left. I asked if that was the heart beat and the doctor said yes. I just started sobbing.



The little bean was (must be bigger than that now) 6.8mm. Amazing. I got two pictures which was so great- not that you can actually see anything on the photo. Still that white blob in the corner is a little bean!



It was surreal and I had a grin splitting my face in half on the way out. We went for coffee and just absorbed this momentus news. I think my hubbie is starting to believe that this may just happen. I think it will!



I am feeling yucky but so glad to be feeling this way. I have an unhealthy attraction to rice (anything made of rice, cooked with rice or with rice as an ingredient) at the moment and am hoping it will pass....



Next scan is Monday (8 weeks and 1 day) and if all is well we graduate from the fertility side of the clinic. We think we may stay there with one of their obstetricians. But we'll think about that on Monday afternoon!



Yay! I am pregnant!

6 wks and 3 days

Another good blood test yesterday. Haven't quite learnt the art of not panicking before a blood test but perhaps that's par for the course? The nurses are always so breezy and friendly and say hi and how are you, what are you up to....? Inside I am screaming TELL ME!!!! Tell me the result!!!! No waffle, JUST TELL ME!



Anyway.



My hormone levels are over 16,000 now. Crikey. The first reading was 53. Wait a mo.....wave of nausea. Thank you Jesus! I love those waves. Yes I know people reading this will say "Just you wait" like all the other "Just you waits". But. I am so grateful to be nauseous, uncomfortable, bloated, sore and tired. My tummy looks like a black and blue punching bag from the Heparin (blood thinners) and I am still grateful.



[The Heparin is so that if my body decides to mount an attack on the embie, it will not be able to gather resources. Kinda attacking without an army- hehe!]



So the next HUGE milestone is the scan which they have brought forward to Friday. Yay, as I don;t have the spend the weekend trying not to worry. They will check for a sac (sack?) and a foetal heartbeat. If everything is good, the rate of miscarriage drops to 5%.

I cannot believe I am at this point. That I may have a little tiny beating heart (size of a poppy seed) in me. Me. So called infertile, barren girl.



And if not, I will praise my God to the highest heaven for being pregnant for 6 amazing and wonderful weeks.



Thank you God!

Yay for Speck!

Little speck continues to do well. Ok, we think it's doing well as my hormone levels are continuing to rise. Woohoo!



On Monday they were at just over 1000 and today they clocked in at over 6000! Crikey. No wonder I feel hormonal. It's like PMS intensified 1,000 000 times.



And! I have found an angel for a blood sucker. She is at a local branch and now I know her by name, I walk in and say "B please". She is gentle and doesn't even use the air-suckie needle thing (they don't use traditional syringes for blood tests here, it's like a little suction pump attached to a needle that sucks the blood out. Super great for my special veins. Not.) B uses a proper syringe on me. Love her!



So feeling so happy. Or I would if I could keep my eyes open. I am SO tired. But I LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!



Yay!

I am

My levels are good, tracking along the same path as previously. They want them to go up in an steady arc and that's what we have. Praise God!



So the little embie (although much different from the picture above on Day 3!) is still alive on Day 23. So I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.



My muti involves: Progersterone pessaries 3 times a day; eostrogen tablets 3 times a day, asparin tablets once a day, heparin injections (ouch) twice a day, fish oil tablets/pregnancy multi vitamins once a day and apple cider/ honey drink (for potassium) twice a day



Next blood test on Friday.....

Am I or am I not?

Been so sick and now even worse. Worried my body has a fever and the embie has gone to be with Jesus. So had a blood test this morning and we'll see if I am still pregnant. Sigh.



Lucky the clinic is so wonderful. Nothing like a patient deciding when she will have blood tests and then taking herself off to have them! Well, I figure I am a regular by now. Afterall I DID design the clinic and have been a patient for 1,000 years....



Waiting, waiting....